If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
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If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school