Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
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Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
*praying for world peace*
God:
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve