Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I have so many questions.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
felt that
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this