Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.