5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
pictures of spider-man