Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
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ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.