I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
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Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
twitter users today:
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3