Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
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[being buried alive] you missed a spot
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!