You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
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*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.