therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I told my vodka about you.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.