3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
There’s always that one guy
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America