Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread