Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
When I said I liked it rough.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*