nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.