We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
You Might Also Like
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
584.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night