[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
You Might Also Like
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?