Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
how long have you had this for?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“That’s what” – She
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?