‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
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[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!