Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.