the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
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In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT