Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
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My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
🚲+physics = winner
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
you have three unread messages
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here