Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
You Might Also Like
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Me too, bag. Me too….