Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
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I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
we’re dead?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?