Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
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When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus