This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
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me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.