Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.