Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
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*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Battery falling down a hole
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.