Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
The dark side of Canada
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no