When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
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Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.