I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
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Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever