Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
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[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”