*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Mouse
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.