What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
incredible book dedication
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin