Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
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me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”