Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
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On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.