Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion