Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
No way!
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh