fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
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Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I missed you with all my darts
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Meow
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.