Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
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Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]