Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker