Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?