me hitting on a model
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Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I love art.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Worth a try
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.