i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
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How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Never go to sleep after making me angry
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.