Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
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My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Okay, I’m still confused…
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I’m not wrong
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.