Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.