my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
doing some research
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Good news
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1