Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
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{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
twitter is a journey
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no