Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
this will hang in the louvre one day
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.