[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”