Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers